Clarification

I really am OK.  I'm just tired, weary more than tired.  I'm at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable but trying to figure out what's next.  That seems to be the ever-asked question.  I'm not planning on changing jobs for awhile but there are a lot of questions that I've got going through my head.  And some things have changed lately and I'm just learning how to deal with those changes.

In reality, I have so much to be THANKFUL for:

• Family
• Job
• Friends
• Knoxville
• Rented Condo in Greenville
• Weekend Plans
• A dollar or two in savings

Ok, well that's all for now.  Didn't mean to alarm anyone.  Thanks for your thoughts.  Prayers welcome as I go through a this time in my life... :)

A Heart's Condition

My heart is heavy.

Travel Wish List

In the states (In order of preference):
San Francisco
North West Coast (Oregon, Washington)
Grand Canyon/Utah/Western States
Chicago
Boston (I've been here but I just love this city)
New York City (I've been here too but I think it's just a fun city)
Upstate New York/Niagara Falls
Miami/FL Keys

Out of the states (In no particular order):
Scotland
Spain
Italy
France (the country, not particularly Paris - although I was 16 when I was there and might enjoy it more now)
Somewhere Tropical: British Virgin Islands/US Virgin Islands
I've been to: Ireland, London, Switzerland, Germany, Paris (I would go back to all in this order)

Last Night

Today, I am thankful for last night and the wonderful people that I met!  I met a wonderful group of people from All Souls Church in Knoxville.  It is kind of funny because the way that I felt last night is the way that I felt after attending Downtown Pres.  There is the most beautiful sense of community at All Souls.  Last night was only the second time that I have been there but I really enjoyed the worship, the teaching, and the folks that I met.  After church every Sunday they do dinner over at this girls house.  It was so good to fellowship with other believers.

Mistaken Identity

So, this week, for about the 10th time in the last year, I was mistaken for a teenager.  I went to the car dealership to get my tire looked at.  It was low earlier in the week and I just wanted to make sure that there was nothing seriously wrong with it.  The guy that initially helped me was obviously not excited about having to help me but then proceeded to treat me like an idiot.  Mostly I felt that this was because I was a "stupid girl" and didn't know anything about cars.  This has happened to me previously and I hate when people just assume that I'm not smart about cars because I'm young and I'm a girl.  There is no excuse for this ill treatment.
As I continued to wait for an extremely long period of time (another long story), I met a very nice lady named Lynette.  We had a great conversation as we discovered that we had the same car and her daughter went to Carson-Newman.  I happened to mention something about traveling for my job and she looked at me incredulously and said "You're old enough to have a job?".  I smiled and said I'm 25, almost 26. She didn't believe me.  She said she was GIVING me 18 but it really was more like 16 and that she was just thinking that it was nice to see a teenager who cared about her car.

This is not the first time this has happened.  Last year, just about this time, I was joining the gym in my hometown in SC.  They know who my parents are in there so I told them and the lady who owns the gym said "How old are you? I didn't know Vicki had a daughter that young..." This statement accomplishes one thing: slapping me and my mom in the face at the same time!! A backhanded compliment to me and one to my mom as well!

I guess maybe one day I'll enjoy it.  And in 20 years, when I'm 45, I'll be so happy to hear "I can't believe you're 45, I was GIVING you 35!"...

Anxiety of the Heart

I have learned…that anxiety is a condition of the heart that gives rise to many other sinful states of mind. Think for a moment how many different sinful actions and attitudes come from anxiety. Anxiety about finances can give rise to coveting and greed and hoarding and stealing. Anxiety about succeeding at some task can make you irritable and abrupt and surly. Anxiety about relationships can make you withdrawn and different and uncaring about other people. Anxiety about how someone will respond to you can make you cover over the truth and lie about things. So if anxiety could be conquered, a mortal blow would be struck to many other sins.-John Piper

Tennessee - Mindy Smith

Tennessee, you've been good to me
Yes, I've come to believe you're where I wanna be
You may not be what everybody needs
but Tennessee, you're good enough for me

I can see stars shining in your night
Your daytime seems like Cash and Patsy Cline
They may not be what everybody needs
But they touch my soul
That's good enough for me

It's been ten years now, and I'm rooted in your soil
I am rooted in your soil
Give me ten more years, I'll be rooted in your soil
Right here in your soil

You may not be what I will always need
But I call you home
If I can call you home
Then you're good enough for me

The Big Picture

So this is going to be a combination of about three different posts that I've started at different times and now feel like I can finish.  A recent conversation with my good friend Nellie, got me to thinking about The Big Picture. I guess what I mean by The Big Picture is our purpose in this life. I've been feeling the need to write something profound (well, more profound than normal) lately.  Something that makes people think.

I've been surprised at how much I've enjoyed this blog.  Not just for the hope of people reading it but because it's been a good place for me to record my thoughts.  It's also been a good opportunity for me to keep my complaining to a minimum.  When I started writing the blog, my intent was to avoid negative talking.  I have used this blog to vent once in awhile but I try to keep it to a minimum. I've made a pretty decent effort at changing my thought process over the last year and a half. If you took my mental and emotional state of life about a year ago and compared it to today, it would be like looking at two different people.

Now that I've said that...at this point in my life, I have never felt so apathetic.  I just do not care.  This is a result of a lot of different things, which I won't discuss them here but mostly involving friends, so-called friends and work.  I am enjoying my job and I really do like it but the past week has been SO slow.  It makes the day go by extremely slow and gives me too much time to think and ask all of those "what if" questions of life.  Even though in the past week I've written about how happy I am and how great my life is going (this is totally true); this past week/weekend has been pretty hard emotionally. I'm ready for a vacation and hope to go to the beach with my Mom in May!!

I also continually reflect over the events of the past few years. In some ways my life has been pretty lame, pretty uneventful but in other ways it has been ridiculously insane.  I feel like this age is supposed to be the greatest time in my life.  Nobody told me that it would be hard.  These are some things I've learned since graduating from college (borrowed from SCL).

• God is good and he works in ways that we will never understand
• He has chosen to use me and the people around me to be a part of what He is doing in the world
• His timing and resources are limitless
• His vision for His work exceeds anything that I originally dreamed 

I find great peace, joy and trust in those things.

Homesick

Well, this may be my third post this week.  Work has been a little slow and we've been in the office.  When we're out "in the field", we're on a time crunch to get the work done because we don't have infinite time to be out at the client's office.  But now that we're back in the office...things are kind of calm and slow.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I'm THANKFUL for: health, a home, family, friends, my job....this list could go on for days and days.  My life really is fantastic right now.  When I was at my parents home this weekend, I went to their church (the church that I grew up in) and it felt so good to be able to tell people that I'm doing great and truly, honestly mean it!!  I love Knoxville, I love the friends that I have here, I enjoy my job and it's only recently that I've started to feel like Knoxville really is home for me.  And, as of tomorrow, I've lived in Knoxville 9 months!  It's unbelievable that it's gone by that quickly.  But today and this week, I find myself feeling a little homesick for Greenville.  Just being there for the weekend is enough to spark this feeling of nostalgia in my heart.  I didn't really want to use the word nostalgia, but when I looked up synonyms this is what it said and this is exactly how I am feeling: fond memories, homesickness, longing, pining, reminiscence, sentimentality, wistfulness, and yearning.  Not that my life in Greenville was perfect or that it would be if I still lived there, but it seemed that my life was on this perfect path and was falling right in line with MY plan.


My fabulous cousin Michele wrote recently in her Coaching Blog  :

"First of all, there seems to be this collective idea about The Plan.  Know what I mean?  The Plan goes like this: Do well in high school --> Go to a great college --> go to law school/get an MBA/become a doctor --> get the perfect job.

And guess what?  Doesn't always happen like that.  Sorry to burst your balloon kiddo." 

While I know this is true, it is often hard to accept.  It's a life lesson.  Life lessons are usually difficult to learn.  A friend from Greer said this weekend "See! Everything works out!"  It does.  I know it will but sometimes it's hard to see the other side when you're in the midst of disaster. Rick, my parents pastor, said "So it was worth all the pain?"  Haha! I'm definitely not ready to say that and I don't know that I'll EVER feel that way but maybe one day (like give me 10 years), at least that's what I'm hoping (and maybe in less than 10 years!) But for now, I'm homesick for South Carolina....

Food Blogging

Today, I stumbled across a food blog while looking for a recipe online.  Wow!! I had no idea about the world of food blogging! I've recently become addicted to reading blogs - all types of blogs.  I have a lot of blogs on my Google Reader and add to them all the time - friends, artists, life coaches, others with good insight. I spent about 2 hours of my time today looking at food blogs.  I love to cook and even more than that, I love to eat!

I've mentioned before in My Favorite Things post about Real Simple Magazine and The Food Network Magazine and how much I've enjoyed cooking from them in the last year.  My latest successful cooking adventure was a Humingbird Cake.  It was SOOOooo good.  I made it for Easter this year for my family. Now this girl's food blog led me to discover about 10 other food blogs and an endless, ENDLESS supply of fabulous recipes. What a fantastic idea! I'm looking forward to cooking many new things!

Easter Weekend

Thoughts in my head, Easter Weekend 2010; Friday through Sunday:

Friday:
- Good Friday and Jesus suffering on the cross
- Do we really have to go to the hospital that early?
- Will everything be OK?
- Why is this person calling me?
- RETURN A PHONE CALL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
- Oh relief, a great report by the doctor
- How's Sam (the dog) doing by himself all day?
- This long weekend is nice.

Saturday:
- I love sleeping in.
- I hope Papa gets to see the doctor soon and come home.
- I love lunch with Nellie
- I just love Downtown Greenville...look at all these people out!
- It's a beautiful day!
- Tired...
- Looking forward to Hummingbird Cake tomorrow!!!

Sunday:
- Lunch with my family is great!
- I've really enjoyed being home.
- Heading back to Knoxville.
- Catching up with good friends
- Continuing the junk food eating fest...but that's all changing tomorrow :)
- and a quote from a friend about Easter, "When you get right down to it, it's the reason for the other 51 Sundays..."
- Remembering the death and resurrection of Jesus.  HE IS RISEN!